Discussing NurtureShock: Talking Race in Mixed Race Families - Part II
4 Mar
We're reviewing NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children. This is part two on "Talking Race". Read Megan's post here.
The Race chapter intrigued me the most when I picked up this book. We are, like Megan, a multi-racial family with my husband being Filipino-American and me white. My daughter is 3 and just starting to notice and verbalize differences she sees in people be it skin color, size, disability, gender or simply shirt color.
Prior to reading NurtureShock we had talked a little about race in the form of skin color and pointing out who is Filipino or Indian since those are the two ethnic backgrounds with whom she has the most contact - "Lola and Lolo are Filipino." or "Who has darker skin, Mama or Papa?" or "Ms. Anitha is going to India tomorrow - she used to live there. She's Indian. Who else do you know that is Indian?"
Those are easy ones and they seem simple to discuss with her. When it comes down to black and white it gets tougher for me, personally. The words "black" and "white" feel so loaded. I struggle, like both the book and Megan mentioned, not to throw in a "and everybody is equal" at the end of the conversation for good measure. It's almost funny how hard it is not to say something like that!
What stood out to me in the book are three things:
- Kids use race to categorize - not in a good way or a bad way - just to categorize and to relate. They use race in the same way they would t-shirt color, age, gender, etc.
- Not talking about race doesn't give children a color-neutral view of the world it leaves them confused or guessing. The book talks about a study where children were asked, "Do your parents like black people?" Here's what happened:
"If the white parents never talked about race explicitly, did the kids know that their parents liked black people? Apparently not: 14% said, outright, "No, my parents don't like black people:; 38% of the kids answered, "I don't know." In this supposed race-free vacuum being created by parents, kids were left to improvise their own conclusions---many of which would be abhorent to their parents."
- Diverse environments aren't the magic fix. The book leads us to believe that, in the long run, diverse environments create more racial division.
"All told, the odds of a white high-schooler in America having a best friend of another race is only 8%. Those odds barely improve for the second-best friend, or the third best, or the fith. For blacks, the odds aren't much better: 85% of black kids' best friends are also black. Cross-race friends also tend to share a single activity, rather than multiple activies; as a result, these friendships are more likely to be lost over time, as children transition from middle school to high school".
This one made me sad, actually. Really? Wow.
What does this all mean for my family? We're talking about race more, when it fits into the conversation. I'm trying not staying dumb things like, "and everybody can be friends, right?!" in a panicked voice when Mo says "Rodrick is black" or "Avni has dark skin like Papa". And I still smile when I pick her up from daycare and see her sitting next to a white girl, another mixed-race girl and a black boy and her little light brown brother is playing quietly across the room with one of their daycare providers who happen to be Indian, Asian, white and Argentinian.
Despite the studies cited in NurtureShock I still have faith that the mixed environment we choose for Margeaux and Brady is good for them. I think the close friends and family we have from all different races and cultures is sooooooo good for all of us and as long as we make a point of talking about it my kids' friendships just might turn out more diverse. They might be tiny now but that looks right to me - imagine the world if they are all friends in 20 years.
Feel free to join the discussion by leaving a comment below.
Next up - the Sleep chapter! Megan, you're up! I've just reread the chapter about sleep and there's some really great stuff in there. I remember how much you guys struggled with sleep when Alex was a younger...what's your take on it?
Special thanks to Rookie Moms for bringing this book to our attention!
Very interesting!
At whyzz.com, the source for kid-friendly answers on how the world works, we’ve partnered with qualified experts (including Multiracial Sky and NutureShock) for talking tips and advice on discussing race with kids ages 4-7:
http://www.whyzz.com/talking-about-race